he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
