This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
