hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize