You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
