Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
