remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
