textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
