Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
