sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
