I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
