just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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