Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
