I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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