tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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