lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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