maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
