I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
