You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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