At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
