3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
