What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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