i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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