what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
