sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
