I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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