Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So squirting runs in the family.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
