You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
this hospital has no fireball
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
