Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize