why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
