someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
