I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
