I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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