Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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