Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I believe in your delicious
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize