You're so nebulous sometimes
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
