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• (630): View more from Illinois

  batman just walked across the sidewalk

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  lay off the drugs

  (630): View more from Illinois

  no for real he was wearing a cape

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• (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.

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• (315): View more from New York

  He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.

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• (619): View more from California

  This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.

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• (510): View more from California

  Drunk is not a location!

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• (206): View more from Washington

  Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I need to meet your family.

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