just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
