i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
