Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
