my sisters under your porch take her home
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
