If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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