Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
