Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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