I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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