My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
