I can text with my tongue
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
