i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Oh god it's open bar.
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