No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
we're so committed to being not committed
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
