He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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