Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize