why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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