is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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