Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
