so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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