yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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