apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
